Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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