pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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