I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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