stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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