I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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