I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize