He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
