Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
