you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
false alarm. still invincible.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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