if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
