I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
