I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
