Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
