So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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