the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
