I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize