My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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