Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Randomize
