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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
