I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
do nipples grow back?
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