A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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