Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
