i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize