I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I looked at my own cervix.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
