can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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