When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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