I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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