Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
