Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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