Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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