i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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