No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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