Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
