I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
