When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
