Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize