My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
