how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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