I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
