God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
