My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
