my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
