No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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