are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize