This is not my ceiling
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
