I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
