I faked an abortion last night.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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