Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize