guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
