Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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