i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You're a waste of cheezeits
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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