I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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