dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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