fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
