I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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