I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
