I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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