there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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